


Memento Mori

by fishingrods



Series: — hold my hand and (don't) leave [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Depression, High School AU, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jaebeom thinks too much and feels too little, Jinyoung supportive friend, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, This has happy ending I swear, everyones sad deep down tbh, panic attacks??? kind of, previous suicide attempt, this is way more interesting than it sounds, will edit tags later as the story goes on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21682027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishingrods/pseuds/fishingrods
Summary: In which jaebeom's head is always filled with thoughts of the inevitability of death and how everything seems meaningless compared to the sky above them.of course, he acted like everything is fine.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Jackson Wang
Series: — hold my hand and (don't) leave [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1593922
Comments: 19
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> memento mori  
> /məˌmɛntəʊ ˈmɔːri,məˌmɛntəʊ ˈmɔːrʌɪ/
> 
> noun  
> an object kept as a reminder of the inevitability of death, such as a skull
> 
> //dont forget to check the tags for the tw :'0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me at my [twt](https://twitter.com/diorseunnie?s=09) <3  
> ฅ'ω'ฅ

Jaebeom sits on the bathroom floor while sobbing harshly inside his hands. He feels his blood flowing down from his arms and thighs.

It burns. It hurts so bad he wants to scream.

Somehow, that only makes him want to ruin his body more. The pain feels _so brutal, so dreadful _, it made him want to reach for the cutter beside him and make the cut deeper.__

But he just wipes his tears away and uses up all the strength left in his body to lift himself up. He grabs his towel and wipes the blood off his body. He quickly goes to his cupboard and took out his first aid kit.

Her mother used to tell him that he need to clean his wound properly before wrapping bandages around it. Of course, he never followed her mom's advice whenever he was treating himself.

_He doesn't deserve it._

__••••••_ _

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__"Hey Jaebeom!" Jaebeom turns his head to look at the source of the voice. "Hello Jinyoung" he gives a soft smile to his friend._ _

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Jinyoung places his books on the table and then steals one of jaebeom's fries. "hey!" Jaebeom tries to swat his friend's hand away but Jinyoung was faster. He quickly put the fries into his mouth and grin on victory. Of course, Jaebeom couldn't stay mad at him.

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"so how are you?" Jinyoung asks while opening his book to read it. 

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_terrible _"I'm good" Jaebeom smiles to make it seem believable. Jinyoung raises his eyebrow as if to say that he isn't having any of Jaebeom's bullshit.__

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"You know it's okay to be honest with me right? We've been friends for ages" Jinyoung says softly, trying to assure the man in front of him that it's okay to tell him the truth.

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Jaebeom sighs. He does know that it's okay to reveal the dark side of his soul that he so thoroughly despise. Hell, it make sense that he doesn't hide it from Jinyoung as he was the only person that knows he is just a sad, pathetic man and still stayed by his side.

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But of course, he knew deep down that Jinyoung will leave him if he has truly known what he actually thinks and feels every single day. Everyone did.

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"Let me ask you again. Are you _okay _?" Jaebeom grimaces.__

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"Well, if okay means I don't spend my time wallowing in my sadness during witching hour then I guess I'm not" He tries to joke about it but he knows it didn't work when he sees concern in Jinyoung's eyes.

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He hates seeing that look. He doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve to be took care of. Doesn't deserve someone's concern. He grips the hem of his sweater harshly as he tries to stop himself from having those thoughts. At least, not until his friend is out of his sight.

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"Jaebeom, honey. You need to stop carrying all your burden alone. This isn't healthy". Jaebeom scoffs at that statement. As if Jaebeom doesn't know that already. Jinyoung frowns when he sees his friend's reaction.

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"I'm serious, Jaebeom. You need to stop doing whatever the hell it is you do to cope with your.... stuff. Honestly, all of this comes from your brain that can't stop thinking. If only you could just control yourself--" Jaebeom glares at Jinyoung when he says that, causing Jinyoung to stop himself and realises that he had said something that's very inconsiderate.

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"I--I didn't mean it I swear Jaebeom." Jaebeom rolls his eyes at his apology and continues to eat his fries. "Jaebeom, I'm really sorry. I know it's something that you can't control.... I acted like you wanted to feel like this and I really regret it." 

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Jaebeom's glare soften when his eyes meet with Jinyoung's. He looked like he really regretted what he said, and Jaebeom mentally scolds himself for acting so harsh on him. "I understand..... It's not your fault"

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"no! it is my fault! I should think first before I speak-" Jaebeom cut him off "no one actually think first before they speak. It's really fine, jinyoungie"

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"I thought you were the one who told me that just because everyone does it doesn't mean it's okay" Jaebeom gasps when those words fell from the latter's mouth. 

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"hOw dare you use my own words against me?!" he said dramatically. Jinyoung laughs loudly at his friend's playfulness. 

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Jaebeom smiles sadly while looking at jinyoung and thinks, 'If only I can make him laugh every second instead of worrying him with my problems'. 

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_If only I'm not such a burden. ___

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••••••

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He plays with his pen, twisting and fiddling with it in an attempt to do pen tricks that he just saw on YouTube. Of course, the pen fall out of his grasp every time he tries to do it. 

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"Psst" Someone behind him tried to gain his attention by tapping his shoulder. Jaebeom stops playing with his pen and tries to look at the person behind him without showing the person that he's annoyed. 

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The brown haired man grins excitedly towards Jaebeom and said "hey, check this out". He starts to do a pen trick that Jaebeom had been trying to do since the math class started.

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Jaebeom doesn't know whether he should be mesmerised by the fact that the man does a pen trick effortlessly or be annoyed because it feels like the person is mocking him. Of course, he smiles and compliments him so that he won't come off as rude.

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"Do you want to hang out with me after school? I can teach you how to do the pen trick so that you won't spend your precious time in class playing with the pen."

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Okay, now Jaebeom is _positive _that this guy is making fun of him__

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__Jaebeom turns his body back to the front and ignore the patting on his shoulder and the occasional "psst" that the man let out. As much as he wants to give in and listen to what the guy has to say so that the brown haired man would stop bothering him, he feels like the person would just offend him more if he talks. Besides, he doesn't like to communicate with strangers._ _

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"Jaebeommieeeee" the man behind him shakes his shoulder a few times and starts to call his name cutely. Now Jaebeom is definitely confused. How does this person knows his name? They've never met before and Jaebeom is definitely not famous enough for a random guy to know his name. Or maybe he's the only one who doesn't remember everyone's names.

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Either way, he doesn't appreciate the fact that the person is calling his name as if they've known each other for a long time.

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Once the class ends, Jaebeom quickly gathered all of his stuff and went out of his class before the man behind him could catch up.

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he desperately hoped that it'll be the last time he had an interaction with the man.

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if only he knew that was just the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this highkey suck but i promise it gets betterrrr


	2. Chapter 2

It has been a week and the brown haired man, which he had found out that his name is Jackson, still won't stop talking to him. He keeps on trying to sit near Jaebeom and make small talks. He either makes jokes about what the teacher talks about in front or talk to him about the stuff he saw on internet.

Jaebeom doesn't know whether it's okay if he just straight up tell the man to stop bothering him and let him know that he's not looking for a new friend - or even trying to have any kind of relationship with people.

_jinyoung is still your friend though. _a voice in him spoke.__

He doesn't know how to get rid of Jinyoung. Of course, he doesn't want to do this. But he couldn't bare the thought of killing himself when Jinyoung is still by his side, trying to make him feel better. Jaebeom doesn't want him to think that his existence wasn't enough for him to stay. Because Jinyoung _is _enough.__

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__Jaebeom is just selfish. A broken, selfish man.__

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__Besides, he had tried to get rid of Jinyoung countless of times. He remembered ignoring Jinyoung when the younger tried to start a conversation during their first meeting. He remembered the time jinyoung saw him smoking and yanking his hand away when he tried to take his pack of cigarette away from him and the day where Jaebeom screamed his lungs out at Jinyoung, telling him how awful he was and that he wanted him out of his life._ _

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__Unfortunately, that didn't work because for some reason, Jinyoung saw through his act and pulled him away from the bridge when he was just about to end his life at the very same day._ _

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Some part in him felt awful for even thinking of leaving this world. It was as if he was betraying Jinyoung. Jaebeom visibly winces at the thought of Jinyoung crying hopelessly at his funeral, possibly thinking all the things that he could've done to save him.

_Hah. I bet he's gonna be thrilled when you're gone. You're nothing but a nuisance. _There it is. His guilt has disappeared and now he's back to planning his suicide.__

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__"Jaebeom? Are you okay?" Jaebeom looks at the man besides him. Oh, it's the brown haired man again._ _

__Jaebeom smiled at him and said "Yeah of course. Why?"_ _

__"Well you seemed like you were thinking of something there. And based on your expression I could tell that you're definitely not okay" Jaebeom frowned. He'll definitely remember to try to be better at thinking without making any negative expressions next time. Jackson continues, "You know you can talk to me about your problems right? I may not look like it but I'm a good listener and definitely great at giving advice!"_ _

__Yeah right, as if I'll tell you my disturbing thoughts when I couldn't even do it to my closest friend. Jackson gasps, disturbing Jaebeom's thoughts again. "Oh god you're doing it again!"_ _

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__Jaebeom blinks in confusion. "what?"_ _

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__"You were thinking something negative again! I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable by asking you to tell me your problems. I wasn't pressuring you or anything I swear" Jackson starts panicking and Jaebeom doesn't know how to calm him down._ _

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__Jaebeom smiles, trying to calm the brown haired man and said, "It's fine. I appreciate the fact that you asked me how I am though. It kind of surprised me'_ _

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__Jackson furrows his brows. "why does it surprise you?". "uhm it's nothing..." Jaebeom turns his attention towards their teacher who is busy explaining a topic in History. Or was it Literature? It baffles him how he couldn't even distinguish the difference. He hopes Jackson will get the message that he wants to pay attention in class and will not try to make him give a proper answer to his previous answer.__

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Surprisingly, Jackson seems to get the message and stops bothering him.

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__Before Jaebeom leaves the class right after the class ends, Jackson mutters a faint, yet perceivable "I'm sorry for bothering you". He just walks away, pretending that he did not hear the words that came out of the other's mouth._ _

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__2 hours later, he is hiding in public toilet, crying until his lungs are too tired to handle any more of it. He spends a good 20 minutes after that, thinking about Jackson's apology and the way he handled it._ _

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__if Jaebeom can turn back time, he will definitely tell Jackson that he's the who should be sorry for acting like a jackass. And maybe tell the younger to never bother him again because he is just wasting his time trying to befriend a sorry excuse for a human being.__

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> istg I don't know where this is going. I'll try not to make this story turn into trash I swear.
> 
> anyways kudos or comments if you enjoyed :"(


	3. Chapter 3

Jaebeom doesn't go to school for a week ever since the incident. it's not like it was that bad, it's just that he wants to take a break from life in general. He told Jinyoung that he was sick but after 3 days had passed, Jinyoung eventually confronted him about his little lie because Jaebeom rarely gets sick - and when he does it will not take more than 2 days for him to heal. However, Jinyoung acting like a good friend he is, didn't report this towards their teacher. He even told Jaebeom to get as much rest as he wants because Jinyoung knows that Jaebeom really needed it.

At first, Jaebeom wanted to have at least 2 weeks away from school. Because he just felt so tired emotionally and leaving the bed is already tiring for him. But, he knew that their teacher will eventually get suspicious and calls his dad, which is the last thing he needed.

When he enters the classroom, he sees Jackson sitting near the window at the back of the classroom. Jaebeom wants to avoid him but then he remembers what he did to him, and guilt starts to seep inside him. He takes a deep breath and walk towards Jackson. Jackson looks up from his phone when he hears footsteps approaching, making his eyes meet with Jaebeom's.

"Oh... Hi Jaebeom", Jackson smiles earnestly."Are you feeling better now?" Jaebeom smiles back, silently hoping that it doesn't look forced."Yeah, I'm good now".  
Jackson smiles grows wider, "Well that's good! I hope you don't feel missed out with stuff. If you need notes to copy then I can show you my notes!"

Jaebeom grins at that comment. "I've never seen you make notes though. Or did you start to focus in class when I'm not here?". Jackson pouts, "Okay okay fine! I was going to give you my friend's notes if you asked me to, not mine". Jaebeom cracks up at Jackson's confession."What the hell-- Oh Jackson why didn't you just say that!" 

"It'll just make it seem so obvious that I dont make notes!" He replies coyly. Jaebeom replies jokingly,"Isn't it already obvious enough from the way you kept trying to talk to me instead of listening to the teacher?" Jackson's eyes widen, showing hurt expression which makes Jaebeom's heart tighten. "I-I am really sorry about that-" Jaebeom quickly cuts his sentence. "No it's- fuck Jackson it isn't your fault that I am such a difficult human being to talk to". 

"You're not difficult to talk to! It was really nice talking to you" Jaebeom looks at him weirdly, making Jackson feel the need to explain himself. "Okay, I admit we didn't have a nice conversation but you seem so interesting and I want to get to know you better" 

"All I do is sitting alone in class and you call that interesting?" 

"You tried to do pen tricks and I think boring people doesn't do that" Jackson retorts.

"you're not really good at giving good reasons huh" Jaebeom says. "No I mean- that's not really a good reason but there are other reasons too as to why I think you're interesting. I just feel like we could be really good friends y'know...."

_All I'll do is hurt you and waste your time and energy _. "I don't know about that.... I mean it's obvious you have enough friends already" Jaebeom tries to put some sense into him. He knows that Jackson wouldn't believe him if he says that he'll gain nothing from being his friend. Of course, that didn't work because Jackson disagrees and says that you can never have too many friends.__

__" I mean... we don't have to be besties or anything.... we could just talk in school only?" Jackson pleads, looking at Jaebeom dead in the eyes and show him his puppy eyes._ _

__Jaebeom's eyes widen and his breath quicken. He formed a fist with his right hand and tightens it, feeling his nails scratching against his palm. He cannot do it. Not again._ _

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__Not when all he's doing is hurting everyone close to him._ _

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__"Are- are you okay Jaebeom?" Jaebeom blinked a couple times, looking at Jackson as if he is a stranger. Jackson looks at him with concern expression all over his face. Jaebeom can't help but feels his heart tighten when he sees Jackson's face. He gulped, suddenly realising that his throat feels dry._ _

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_Don't look at me like that_

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______".....What?" Jackson's face grows more concerned. He pats Jaebeom's back as an act of consolation despite not knowing what he meant when he said that._ _ _ _ _ _

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____Jaebeom's eyes widen when he realises that he had said that out loud. He instinctively swats Jackson's hand away, making the other surprise from his sudden outburst._ _ _ _

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____"I--I'm sorry" Jaebeom manages to sob out when he realises what he had done. That's when he realises that he is on the verge of crying _in public _. He gets out of his chair and quickly runs out of his classroom before the tears get out of his eyes, ignoring Jackson who is shouting out his name.___ _ _ _

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy uh happy 2020 I guess??? it's not 2020 yet here but it will be in a few more hours so--
> 
> anyways leave kudos or comments because I need motivation uwu


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updating cuz its jaebeoms bday :333

Jackson runs after Jaebeom but soon he loses him in the crowd as there are a lot of students at the hallway. He tries to search for him at a lot of places that he thinks the man will hide at. After 15 minutes of searching, Jackson hears muffled sounds of crying and voice of a man talking when he is walking up to the rooftop.

He opens the door and his eyes fall at the sight of a man crying with his hoodie covering his face, which he soon recognizes as Jaebeom. He turns his gaze towards the man next to Jaebeom who is busy comforting Jaebeom that he still doesn't notice Jackson's presence.

Jaebeom however, stops crying once he looks up and sees Jackson. "J-Jackson.." His whisper, although almost inaudible, can be heard by both Jackson and the man who is comforting him.

The man quickly looks towards Jackson. His gaze feels heavy and predatory, making Jackson visible shudder.

"JInyoung, don't" Jaebeom says. his voice sounds hoarse from the harsh sobbing he did. The man, who Jackson finally knows the name is Jinyoung, turns his gaze to Jaebeom. "Are you sure you don't want me to get rid of him?" Jinyoung asks softly. 

Jackson can see the hesitation in Jaebeom's eyes when he nods. He wants to say that it's okay if he doesn't want him to be here, but he can't find his voice at that moment for some reason.

"Okay.... So. why are you here?" Although the sentence is a question, Jinyoung's tone makes it sounds like a statement. Jackson gulps, trying to calm himself before answering. "Jaebeom was- he was crying so I am just checking up on him"

Jinyoung doesn't say anything in response, making the air feels heavy. With what? Jackson doesn't know. He wants to describe it as awkwardness but Jinyoung is clearly not feeling awkward at all. Jackson locks his eyes at Jaebeom as he doesn't know where else to look.

Jaebeom tries not to look back but Jackson's gaze feels too strong he can't help but look away from the ground and let his eyes meet Jackson's. Both of them just stare at each other without doing anything, making it feels more uncomfortable. Jaebeom mentally curses himself for making the situation more awkward.

He doesn't know what to do so he smiles at Jackson. Although clearly it is forced, Jackson appreciates it. He smiles back, big and bright that it makes Jaebeom unconsciously smiles back, except now it is more genuine, showing his eye smile and beautiful bright teeth. 

If Jackson is affected by it, he definitely doesn't show it.

Jinyoung silently watches the scene unfold before his eyes. He'll defintely ask Jaebeom what is his relationship with the brown haired man, but later when they're in private. 

"Are you okay now?" he asks, looking at Jaebeom. The other nods. "Are you sure?" Jaebeom nods one more time while smiling as a confirmation. 

Jinyoung grins and ruffles his hair, making Jaebeom let out a small "Hey!" and quickly fixes his hair that are covering his eyes. Jinyoung chuckles. "You really need to cut your hair". Jaebeom ignores that statement and gets up, making his way towards the door.

Jackson walks in front of both of them. He can't help but feel like he is the one leading the way, making him feels uncomfortable once again. He rarely feels uncomfortable that he can't help but wonder if it has something to do with Jinyoung's attitude towards him just now. 

His thought disappears when he hears Jaebeom says "Thank you so much... for just now", making Jinyoung chuckles and replies, "Don't sweat it". That is when he feels like he can finally calm down, because Jinyoung is not a threat despite the way he presented himself at the rooftop.

After Jinyoung goes to his class, Jackson and Jaebeom walks together to their class. Jackson feels like he should say something like asking him why did he cry or if he is fine, but he decides to stay quiet when he looks at Jaebeom's exhausted state. 

Jaebeom sits beside him, making Jackson surprised. "Y'know you don't need to sit next to me if you don't want to, right?" 

"I'm okay sitting here" Jaebeom mutters. Jackson knows he is just trying to be polite, so he doesn't push it. 

20 minutes has passed and Jackson still hasn't say anything, which makes Jaebeom feel peaceful but also a little bit uncomfortable. He knows that Jackson doesn't say anything because he's afraid he'll disturb him. _you're such an inconsiderate bitch. All you do is making people suffer _.__

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__Jaebeom looks away from the teacher and lays his eyes on the man beside him. "It's fine if you want to talk to me" His voice sounds smaller than he intend it to be. Jackson blinks a few times, surprised by the words that he just said. "I know you're just trying to be polite, Jaebeom. It's fine I am good at keeping quiet" "No it's not that. I-I'm just saying that I'm okay if you wanna talk about stuff." Jaebeom looks straight into his eyes, trying to show him that he's actually okay with it. "Oh. Okay."_ _

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__And that's all it takes for Jackson to start talking about the weird cat photo he saw on internet, which leads to Jaebeom smiling and says that he loves cats. They starts to talk about more random stuff._ _

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__Jaebeom finds out that Jackson is not good at eating spicy food and that he used to be in the fencing team. He also just find out that Jackson just moved here from Hong Kong, making Jackson gasps._ _

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"You didn't realised that there's a new student in your own class? I've been here nearly a month!" 

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__"Maybe I was absent? Plus You're only in my literature class."_ _

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__" _And _Math class"_ _ __

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___Jaebeom playfully rolls his eyes. "Okay okay two definitely has a lot of difference compared to one". "They do!" Jackson says when he hears his sarcastic tone. Jaebeom doesn't get to reply when they hears the bell rings, indicating that it is recess time.___

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_____Both of them walks to their own locker to put away their stuff. As soon as Jaebeom does that, he makes his way towards the cafeteria. Jackson runs after him and wraps his arm around his shoulder, making Jaebeom shudder from the sudden contact. He doesn't feel comfortable but he tries to relax his body as he doesn't want Jackson to notice._ _ _ _ _

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___Thankfully, Jackson moves away his arm to reach for his phone when he feels vibration in his pocket. Jaebeom watched as the other smiles to himself when he looks at the text before he starts to type something back. _Is it his girlfriend? Wouldn't be surprised if it is, Jackson is good looking after all _._ _ ___

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__"Hey Jaebeom, do you wanna eat with me and my friends?" Jackson asks as soon as he looks up from his phone. "Uh... I am going to eat with Jinyoung" It isn't a lie, but he does say it as an excuse. It doesn't work though when Jackson tells him that he can bring Jinyoung too because he wants to get to know the other better._ _

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__Both of them look for JInyoung and eventually they find him sitting at the rooftop. Jaebeom talks to JInyoung about the situation, silently hoping Jinyoung will magically understand that he doesn't want to do it and help him get out of the situation like he always does. Sadly, this time it doesn't happen._ _

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__Now, they are sitting at a table with Jackson and his friends. All of them seem so hyper and energetic, Jaebeom can feel his energy slipping out of him just by looking at them fooling around._ _

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__"Okay, so this is Bambam" Jackson says, pointing at a blonde man that Jaebeom saw dabbing earlier. "he is from Thailand but he has been in Korea for about 5 years now. Oh, and he's a freshman by the way"._ _

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__Bambam chuckles and lighly nudges Jackson's arm. "Did you mention the freshman part because I'm taller than you and you're afraid they'll think I'm a senior?" Jackson hits his head, earning a chuckle out of a silver haired man besides Jackson._ _

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__"This small man is markie by the way!" Jackson pats him. Mark scowls, "I'm not small you dumbass. Respect your senior". Bambam interrupts them by saying, "You are smaller than me though" Making Mark throws his bottle towards him. _He had it coming _, Jaebeom thinks while eating is caramel bun._ _ __

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___"I'm Jinyoung and he is Jaebeom", Jinyoung smiles. When Jaebeom notices that Mark is staring at him, he smiles at him. Mark smiles back, showing his beautiful canine teeth._ _ _

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___"So how did both of you meet Jackson?" Mark asks. "Uhm... JAckson and I are in the same class for Math and Literature" Jaebeom replies. He hopes he doesn't sound awkward. "I knew him from..." Jinyoung stops himself once he realises that he shouldn't tell other people about the incident. Jaebeom helps him by saying, "He knows Jackson from me"._ _ _

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__Mark hums in responds. Jinyoung looks at him a few second. Finally, he decides to ask "I'm sorry but are you Korean?" making the other lightly chuckles, "No, I'm American. Is it that obvious?"_ _

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"Nah, you're okay. Jackson and Bambam are both Foreigners so I just assumed". 

Mark smiles and says, "Oh that's good. I was afraid if my Korean is actually worse than I thought it is". JInyoung stops eating his burger just to deny his words. "What? Your Korean is really good! It's not bad at all."

"yeah that's true! Be more confident Mark!" Jackson says with his mouth full of rice. Mark sighs. "Stop talking while eat". Jackson quickly chew and swallow all of it down his throat, only to feel himself choking on it. Bambam quickly reaches his coffee and hands it to him. Jackson drinks it all down. Once he calm down, he complains, "I need water, not coffee". 

Jaebeom decides to speak up when everyone says they don't have it. "I have water... but I've already drank it so feel free to drink it if you're okay with it". Jackson's face lights up. "Yes thank you! You're my saviour" He takes his water bottle and drinks it. 

They leave the cafeteria once the bell rings. They all say goodbye to each other before they part ways. 

When Jaebeom takes out his book from the locker, he feels someone tugging on his hoodie. He looks behind, and there Jackson is, smiling at him like he is one of his close friends. "Did you enjoy spending time with us?" Jackson asks. 

Jaebeom puts on his fake smile, except this time he is actually prepared, so Jackson doesn't know that he is being insincere. 

"Of course I do. All of you are so entertaining." He says, his voice honeyed and silvery, making Jackson's smile brighter. 

"I'm so glad! I hope we can be close". "Of course we can." Jaebeom replies, trying to sound like he actually do mean it.

"See you on the next lesson!" Jackson cheerfully says while waving at Jaebeom. Jaebeom smiles and waves back. 

He doesn't stop until Jackson turns away and walks away. Jaebeom exhales the air that he doesn't realise he had been holding in and walks to the exact opposite way that Jackson use, ignoring the voices inside his head that are making him feel guilty. 

Jaebeom spends his time on the rooftop instead of going to the Geography class. It's what he always does when he feels too overwhelmed that he is positive he won't be able to survive being in a situation without getting a panic attack. 

He winces when the memory of his dad calling him useless pathetic brat suddenly pops up inside his head. _Shut up. You know it's the truth _.__

It is. And he does know that it's true.

He leans near the edge, looking over the schoolgate to observe the vehicles that are driving endlessly on the road. He is a bit disappointed that this is not nighttime because the view would be spectacular, with the lights from the vehicles streaking across the road, lighting up the path.

Committing suicide while looking at that scenery has got to be peaceful. It is a perfect reminder that despite the beauty that this world holds, the chaos is still there. it doesn't sleep, doesn't stop. Just like the city and the world in general. 

He spends his extra time lying down while looking at the big blue sky that is filled with clouds. He smiles when he looks at a couple of birds that are flying effortlessly in the sky. 

He leaves the rooftop once the voices that are telling him to jump get louder. As much as he wants to do it, the thought of his suicide traumatizing other people scares him 

He ruined so many lives already, he's not gonna increase it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> word counter said this chapter has 2000+ words??? UHm this highkey clapped but I'm proud of myself cuz that's the longest I've ever written for a chapter yeehaw,,, 
> 
> anyways go scream at me [twt](https://twitter.com/diorseunnie?s=09) <3  
> also leave kudos or comments pls I love reading positive comments they cleanse my soul after going through tough days


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kissy kissy go yell at me at my [twt](https://twitter.com/diorseunnie?s=09) <3  
> 

Jaebeom wakes up to the sunlight that is shining through his window. He groans in pain when he realises that he had fell asleep on the hard floor, making his back hurts. He gets up and closes the curtains before he goes back to sleep again, except this time on his bed.

After trashing around his bed for a good 10 minutes trying to find a comfortable position, he decides that his body has gain enough sleep. Normally, he'll just sit around while reading book or listening to songs when he has nothing better to do but this time he has no energy to do any of those stuff.

"Do I have homework?" He asks out loud. He rummages through his stuff only to sigh when he realizes that he only has homework for Physics and he has done it the night before. 

"What do normal people do after they get up..." He mumbles to himself as if he is an alien trying to act like a human. He knows that brushing teeth and taking bath is a must, but he feels so lazy. Of course, he takes care of his hygiene, but he doesn't see the purpose of doing it if he'll just stay at home.

_Oh, I should eat _. Jaebeom goes to his kitchen once that thought enters his head. As much as he wants to die, he doesn't want to die out of hunger. Gastric hurts like hell.__

__

__He frowns when he opens the fridge and sees that the only thing that is in the fridge is sandwich. And he is pretty sure it is no longer safe to be eaten because Jinyoung made it for him a long time ago when he saw that Jaebeom hadn't been eating regularly. "So now I need to buy grocery.... this is frustrating". He scratches his head, making it messier. He lazily takes his towel and struts his way towards the bathroom._ _

__

__Once he make sure that people won't notice that he has been living like a hobo for the past few days, he goes into his room to pick out clothes. After he wipes his body until it is fully dry, He looks in the mirror and scowls at his sight. He hates how his eyes are so small, making his face looks uneven. He hates how puffy his face is and the two very noticeable moles near his eye. He looks at the scars on his inner thighs that almost fade and touches it lightly with his fingertip. He retracts his hand and exhales softly._ _

He wears his red sweater and puts on his trousers. After that, he put on his cologne, as he isn't sure whether he smells okay or not. After he is sure that he doesn't forget anything, he walks to his door 

On his way towards his door, he glimpses to the window and sees his reflection. His hair looks messy. He tries to fix it, making sure it is not messy but also hides his face well. That is one of the reason why he wants to grow out his hair. People won't stare at him and even if they do, he won't feel anxious because the sides of his face will be hidden by the hair. 

He smiles softly once he is satisfied with his appearance. "Okay, you can do this Jaebeom", he tells himself as an act of encouragement and closes the door after he walks out of it. 

He walks exhaustingly out of the grocery store when he had finally bought food, which mostly consist of canned food and other unhealthy food. _Whatever. It's not like I'm gonna live long anyway. ___

He stops walking once he sees a cafe with cat logo on it. He looks inside through the window and feels disappointed when he doesn't see any cats in the cafe

____

When he walks inside the cafe, a waiter that looks probably around his age smiles at him and says "Welcome! How can I help you?"

"A capuccino please" Jaebeom orders. "Okay, sir!" The waiter replies cheerfully before he goes and make capuccino for Jaebeom. 

_How can someone be so happy even when they work? _Jaebeom can feel envy fueling inside him. He doesn't understand how some people can be so outgoing. _Is it genetics? If it is, that'd explain it. Maybe I got this miserable personality from dad. Wait, does that mean I am an asshole?___

_______ _ _ _

__

His thoughts disappear when he sees the waiter approaching him with his coffee in his hand. "Here you go" He hands it over. Jaebeom pays the waiter and thanks him. 

__

"Uhm... Before you go.... what's your name?" The waiter asks him shyly, making Jaebeom feel confused. However, he answers the younger as he doesn't want to appear rude. "I'm- I'm Jaebeom" 

__

The waiter grins, "That's a great name. I'm Yugyeom" 

__

He doesn't know what to respond so he says "Oh... nice to meet you" . Fortunately, Yugyeom's smile becomes brighter when he says it, making him feel relieved. 

__

____

__

Suddenly, someone from the staff room shouts "Just ask for his phone number already!" making Jaebeom almost jump. "Shut up Jungkook!" Yugyeom hisses back. 

__

"What... was that?" Jaebeom asks, feeling confused. 

"Oh... Uh..." Yugyeom panics and hide his mouth with his hand shyly and mumbles, "You look so cool??? Wait no, beautiful." He says, more confident this time. Jaebeom can't help but wonder if he is hallucinating right now. "You look so beautiful and I was wondering if we can exchange phone number? I mean, you don't have to.... Oh it doesn't have to be a date by the way. We can just hang out and get to know each other.... If you want to" He whispers the last part, but Jaebeom hears all of it pretty clear. He frozes in his spot, trying to process what he had just heard. 

__

He finally says something after god knows how long. "Wait... Is this a prank?" making Yugyeom vigorously shakes his head. "No! Wait, does no one ever compliment you? Or ask you out on a date?" 

__

"I... No it's not the first time. But it's just because people who usually say those stuff to me are men that are the same age as me or older." _Also because people only say it if I dress up nicely._

____ _ _

_  
_"oh" Yugyeom looks down shyly. "Am I too shameless for my age?"__

__

"No you're not shameless.... it- it's normal to ask someone out when you're interested with them" _But not when the person is me because you'll end up being disappointed_

______ _ _ _ _

"Does that mean you'll give me your phone number?" The waiter asks. His eyes sparkle with hope and excitement. 

"Uh.." Jaebeom doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to make Yugyeom sad but he doesn't want to have connections with more people. 

_You could just give him fake number._

_No, what the fuck. That's even worse than rejecting him._

___Suddenly, someone wraps their arm around Jaebeom's shoulder, making him startle. He turns to his side to look at who it is. "M-mark?"_ _ _

___Mark grins. "Hey kitten". The nickname and the way the older wrapped his arm around his shoulder makes him visibly squirm inside his hold. He whines. "Oh, sorry" Mark, who obviously notices his discomfort, lets go of him._ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

"Oh, by the way, Jaebeom is my boyfriend so you can't have him" Mark says to Yugyeom, making Jaebeom speechless. Before Jaebeom get to say anything, Mark drags him outside of the cafe, leaving the waiter who is wearing an expression that Jaebeom can't put a name to. 

Is it sadness? Disappointment? He isn't sure, but one thing's for sure the boy is feeling anything but happiness and Jaebeom can't help but feel sad for the waiter too.

_______ _ _ _ _ _

Mark let go of his hand once they're out of the cafe. The older adjusts his cap and exhales a sigh, which somehow ends up sounding like a short laugh. Jaebeom looks at his coffee that is starting to get cold. Normally, he likes his coffee hot, but he doesn't want to throw it away as it will be very wasteful. He drinks some of it and tries to not grimace at the taste of cold coffee against his throat because Mark is right there in front of him. 

Both of them are silent, making the atmosphere feels somewhat awkward. Jaebeom decides to be the one who start the conversation once he makes sure that Mark doesn't want to. "Why did you do that just now?" 

"I... I saw you inside the cafe and heard that he was asking you out and you seemed uncomfortable so I thought I'd help you..." 

"I- I see". Was he that obvious? Jaebeom can't help but start to overthink whether Yugyeom saw his hesitation or not. Sweat starts to trickle down his hand, making him feel uncomfortable. He tries to distract himself from the suffocating thoughts by tapping his index finger on the coffee cup in a rhythm from a song that he has forgotten the name. 

"Where are you going right now?" Mark asks. "I don't know" Jaebeom says. His voice sounds tired and low, contrary to his voice before. Mark's expression changes, pulling Jaebeom out of his own mind for only an instant. The older's expression is unreadable, somehow making Jaebeom feel more nervous. "I'm sorry I was... Thinking about something earlier" 

Mark nods, smiling as if to say 'it's okay'. Jaebeom doesn't believe him, but he smiles back and tries to let it sink inside him to calm himself down. 

He isn't surprised when it doesn't work. It rarely does.

"I'm sorry about the... kitten part by the way" Mark looks at him apologetically. "I crossed a line" 

"It's fine. You were just trying to help me. Thank you by the way". 

Mark smiles, again. Jaebeom is starting to think that it's what he always does whenever he doesn't have anything better to say. 

He doesn't mind it though.

"So... I'll see you on Monday" 

Mark smiles and nod. Jaebeom bows before he walks away from the American man. 

"Goodbye, Jaebeom" 

Jaebeom turns to his back when he hears the soft voice coming from the other. But Mark is already turning his back on him, walking to the nearest bus stop. 

_______ _ _ _ _ _

Jaebeom lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He isn't think about anything in particular, he is just shutting down. He is in a state where he feels numbness all over his body. No voices can ever reach him, haunt him. He feels disconnected from his body, making him unsure whether he even exist in the first place. His body feels heavy that it's making him feel like he has no control over it. He can try to force himself to get out of bed, but doing that is already hard enough for him. 

He closes his eyes and puts his hand on his left chest, feeling the heartbeat. That's what he always do whenever he feels like he isn't real, or nothing is real. He tries to keep himself grounded by feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat, reminding him once again that he is alive. No matter how empty he feels, no matter how dead he feels inside, his heart is still beating, as if desperately trying to let him know that he is alive despite how broken, how numb he feels. 

Sometimes even heartbeats isn't enough to convince him. 

When that happens, he tries to stop the feeling with cutting instead. The feeling of the blade sliding on his skin. The instant pain when he pushes it deep, causing him to bleed. The feeling of blood trickling down his skin, reminding him once again that he actually exists. That everything is real, and no matter how hard he tries to distract himself from reality, it will always come running back to him. 

_______ _ _ _ _ _

He opens his eyes once he feels his phone vibrate next to him. He reaches for it and opens it.

**from : jinyoung **  
**hey brat. did you do your homework already? **********

**********from : jinyoung **  
**also how are you? did you have any other breakdowns after the one at the rooftop? ************ ** ** **

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

Jaebeom doesn't know how to reply whenever Jinyoung asks him that. If it's from other people, he'll automatically lie but Jinyoung and him had an unspoken promise where they'll tell each other anything. He didn't like it, but Jinyoung seemed so calm whenever he opened up, he can't help but want to do it again just to stop his friend from worrying about him.

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

_he'll still get worried if you tell him you want to die so badly right now _"fair enough". He says out loud, to no one in particular.__

****************____ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************__**to : jinyoung **  
**yes ive done it **********_ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************__**********to : jinyoung **  
**also yes im fine. stop worrying about me will you ************ ** ** ** _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

He sees Jinyoung typing so he waits for his reply.

****************__******************** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************__******************** ** ** ** ** ** ** _ _ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**from : jinyoung **  
**how can I not worry about you when you're literally a walking time bomb. it's already scary enough that someone like you lives alone without anyone looking after you!!!******

Jaebeom doesn't want to feel affected by his words, but it makes him feel an uneasy feeling deep inside his throat. He tries to swallow it down, but it's doing nothing. He sighs loudly, exitting the chat without even bothering to answer. 

He throws his head onto his pillow, looking at the ceiling as he let the emptiness swallow him as a whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm one day late but uh happy 6th anniversary got7!!!💚💚 :")))
> 
> this chapter feels wrong but idk how to fix it,,,, pls let me know in the comments what you think of this
> 
> kudos and comments are very appreciated (σ≧▽≦)σ


	6. Chapter 6

Jaebeom isn't surprised when Jackson approaches him when he walks into the class and finds Jaebeom putting his head on a table. 

"Oh my god. Jaebeom, you good?" Jackson knocks the table lightly, trying to see if he is sleeping.

Jaebeom lifts up his head and looks at Jackson with his half lidded eyes. He removes his hair from his eyes to view the man in front of him more clearly. "Oh Jackson" he stretches his body and yawns at the same time.

"Didn't get any sleep last night?" Jaebeom shakes his head, yawning again unexpectedly. Jackson laughs at the sight.

__

Jackson sits next to him and grins. "You want some coffee? It'll help you stay awake" 

Jaebeom looks at a cup of coffee in Jackson's hold. It still looks hot. Jaebeom wonders if there is any cafe near the school area. 

"I... Are you sure?" 

The fencer nods. "Don't be shy, go ahead!" 

_Don't drink it, Jaebeom. You already drank probably more than 20 cups of coffee last week. Pretty sure Jinyoung's gonna be mad when he finds out._

_I'm sure that's acceptable!_

_Don't._

____ _ _

_  
_

__The voice sounds like Jinyoung, which unconsciously shook him. He doesn't turn around to see if Jinyoung is actually near him though, because he knows it's from his mind._ _

____

__

____

However, the voice somehow is able to convince him from not doing it. Even though deep down he knows he'll end up buying a cup of coffee at the cafeteria later.

"It's fine". Jaebeom shakes his head slowly.

Jackson blinks his eyes while looking at him with his big, round eyes, making him look like a puppy. Jaebeom tries to not smile or even show any kind of emotion from it, but he feels like he has failed when he begins to feel heat across his cheeks.

Thankfully, Jackson doesn't seem to notice the faint blush on his cheeks. He pouts and slowly slides the cup to Jaebeom.

"You can take only a few sips and leave the rest to me. I don't mind."

__

Jaebeom doesn't know how to politely deny the coffee at this stage. He can think of something if he tries hard enough, but his mind can't process anything except analysing the way the man in front of him looks at him like he's got a whole lots of love to give to him. His eyes are gleaming with adoration, as if they both had known each other for a really long time. 

Jaebeom doesn't want to accept his kindness, but feels like he has to.

"Thank you". Jaebeom mutters, slowly bringing to cup to his lips and drink a few sips of it.

Jackson grins, "Is it nice?". He nods. 

"Well then, I'm glad.

Jaebeom doesn't say anything. Jackson stays quiet too. None of them tries to start a conversation, not even when the class starts and the teacher is explaining a really boring topic from the textbook.

__

Jaebeom feels his mind flying out the window, away from the classroom. Away from his body. The only thing that keeps him from slipping entirely is the occasional clicking sounds from the pen that belongs to Jackson.

It is supposed to be annoying, but Jaebeom can't help holding onto the rhythmic noise that for some reasom replays itself inside his mind.

"Here you go". Jaebeom looks at the man next to him, smiling while handing a note that the teacher is passing around. "Thanks", Jaebeom takes the paper from Jackson's hand and glimpses on it to see the brief content.

__

Jackson silently stares at him, as if trying to see _something _in him. If Jaebeom realise he is staring, he would have panicked or something. But his mind is now going elsewhere once again, even when his eyes are on the paper.__

__

____

"You're always like this, huh" Jackson says, turning Jaebeom's attention away from whatever it is he was thinking about.

____

"What?"

____

Jackson smiles, his eyes tender and soft. The fact that the sunlight is shining onto his face makes him look more calming than he already is. "You're always so silent. So calm. It's hard to see what's actually on your mind".

____

"Maybe.... maybe there's nothing inside my mind".

____

"What do you mean?" Jackson asks, confused. "How can you daydream when you have nothing in your mind?"

____

____

Jaebeom fiddles with his sweater paws, unsure of what to say. "It's complicated". He looks away. Jackson wonders what kind of expression is the other wearing right now. He can't see it over the hair covering his face.

____

"Do you...." Jackson stops for a moment, trying to think if the right words to say. "Do you mean like your consciousness just leaves you and making you feel like you're not here at all? It's not that you're daydreaming, you just lose focus? And your mind just feels.. empty?" 

____

Jaebeom's fingers that once were playing with his sweater paws stop, surprised because of the accurate description coming from him.

"How do you know that?" his question earns a small chuckle from the fencer. "I know someone who's like that too" jackson answers.

__

"I.... I see" Jaebeom wants to ask more about who it is. Is it his family member? His friend? Is it Mark? Bambam?

He feels like it's not appropriate, so he decides to keep quiet

__

"Do you wanna hang out during recess? I mean if you want to"

"Okay". 

His reply makes Jackson surprised. "Wait.... Really? You don't have to if you don't want, you know that right?"

Jaebeom shrugs, taking a few sips of the coffee that Jackson gave him earlier. It has gotten cold, but Jackson doesn't drink it at all and Jaebeom can't help but feel like its his duty to finish it. _God this is so disgusting. How can a coffee that is so delicious change flavour so easily with just a change in temperature? ___

____

"I suppose you can say that I'm in a good mood right now". 

____

____

Jackson raises his eyebrow, smirking as he does it. "Oh, really? Is it because of the coffee I gave you earlier?"

____

_pretty sure it's because I've been so down these past few months, my brain decided to give me a break. But we all know it won't last long. ___

Jaebeom smiles. "I guess you can say that".

____ _ _

_  
_

Jaebeom doesn't try too hard to focus towards his surrounding, Jinyoung notices. His smile appears a lot with his eye smile, something that Jinyoung hasn't seen for a long time. He wants to believe that it's getting better, that Jaebeom is finally getting somewhere, but he has seen it happened before, and it's not nice.

Whenever they both thinks he is starting to get better, something will happen. It could be something big, something small. And Jaebeom will fall hard and succumb into his dreadful routine of self deprecating once again. The sad thing is that most of the time, nothing has to happen at all. His brain will fucks everything up for him. And all Jinyoung can do is sit at the corner while watching him destroy himself over and over again. 

_No, don't be so negative, Jinyoung. Someday, the cycle will stop. Someday._

__Jinyoung knows the cycle will stop someday. He's just afraid it will stop at the bad part instead. He decides to push his thoughts away by focusing at the current moment, because worrying about the future is useless._ _

__He worries anyway._ _

__Bambam's joke is cut off when Mark suddenly appears behind him and startles him. Bambam shrieks, earning a loud laugh from the red haired boy who appears suddenly. "God, you're so fun to mess around with"._ _

____

Bambam pouts, "Hyungggg you need to stop doing that". Mark chuckles. 

____

__

____

Mark's eyes suddenly goes to Jaebeom's direction, making Jaebeom shudders uncomfortably. "Hi", Mark says with a small smile on his face. Jaebeom smiles back. He takes a sip from his strawberry milk bottle, trying to calm the uneasiness deep inside his bones. Mark sits next to him and puts down his tray. 

____

Jackson nudges him with his shoulder and playfully asks, "Why are you late? Did you make out with someone in the toilet again?"

____

"That, and I also got a blowjob" 

____

Jaebeom spits his strawberry milk. 

____

"Yuck! No one wants to know that" Bambam grimaces. "Hey, Jackson asked!"

____

Jackson grins. "Wait, who is it though? Or are you lying?". Mark smirks, and Jaebeom swears he never knew he can put on that expression. "Maybe. Maybe not."

____

"I haven't gotten a blowjob for months this is frustrating". Jackson groans while massaging his forehead. Jaebeom can see Jinyoung's face starts to contort, making him look cold and vicious than he normally does. He knows how this kind of topic affects him, and he needs to do something. He carefully holds Jinyoung's hand under the table, silently hoping he won't push his hand away and make him snap, instead of calming him down.

____

Thankfully, Jinyoung grips his hand back in the same manner, his face look calmer as he does it. Jaebeom can't help but feels his smile appear on his face, feeling accomplished for once.

____

"Jaebeom-ah". Jaebeom looks at Jackson, signalling him to continue. 

"Your strawberry milk looks so good. Can I have some?" Jaebeom hesitates, but nod nonetheless, afraid that he'll offend the brown haired man.

Jinyoung's grip on his hand tighten, making Jaebeom turn his attention towards his best friend. Jinyoung's stare towards the fencer probably seem harmless to a lot of people, but not Jaebeom. Something - Jackson - is troubling him. He knows that Jinyoung can be very judgemental towards the people he had just met, making him hard to creat a connection with new people. So it's not surprising to see him hating Jackson, especially with the way both of them met.

Somehow, Jackson knows that Jinyoung's stare at him radiates negative aura, making him instantly froze when his eyes met with Jinyoung's. "j-jinyoung-sshi, is there anything I can help you with". Jackson's formal language makes Bambam and Mark sniffles their laughter, them probably knowing his fear towards the stoic faced man. 

Meanwhile, Jaebeom can't find any excitement in this situation when he sees the scared expression on Jackson's face. he feels Jinyoung's hand jolt slightly at the words that fell from Jackson's mouth, and now all he can think about is _fuck fuck fuck_

__Jinyoung stays silent, making the air suddenly feel thick and sharp. Everyone says nothing, not even Bambam who would always say anything weird or random in any kinds of situation._ _

__

__Jaebeom can't stand it anymore. "Jinyoung.... you're scaring everyone right now", Jaebeom carefully tells him, hoping he will start to say anything, _anything _at all.___ _

___Jinyoung blinks a few times and looks around, as if he doesn't know where he is right now. It takes him a few seconds for him to say something. "Oh, right. It's nothing, Jackson." Jaebeom lets out a breath that he doesn't realise he was holding in when Jinyoung finally comes back from his daydream._ _ _

___"Your hand is so calming, Jaebeom". Jinyoung grins, brings the hand that is intertwining with the latter's hand from under the table and rubs his thumb on Jaebeom's skin, trying to prove his point._ _ _

___"That's so random" Jaebeom scoffs._ _ _

___"Are you-" Bambam's question gets cut off by Mark's hand around his mouth. Bambam hastily removes the hand from his mouth and glares at Mark. "What the fuck was that for?"___

___"You were gonna ask them if they're an item!" His accusation doesn't only brings Jackson's attention to the situation, but alarms both Jinyoung and Jaebeom._ _ _

___"Wait wait wait. You guys are dating?"_ _ _

___"No Jackson- fuck we are not!" Jaebeom quickly let go of Jinyoung's hand. "I'm not even gay" he mutters under his breath._ _ _

___"Oh. I'm sorry if that offends you"_ _ _

"It's- it's fine". 

Bambam stares at Jinyoung curiously. "How about you? Are you gay?" his question earns a slap on his head, making him curse. "Fuck! Really, Mark?" 

Mark huffs. "Someone's gotta put you in your place and Jackson won't do it. Which means I gotta do all the work around here". 

"Oh come on! Jinyoung's gonna hate us no matter what we said. We don't have to sugarcoat things" 

This time, even Jackson can't help but step in. "Okay Bambam, now you're going too far". 

"It's the truth!" 

Jaebeom should say something, anything. He looks at Jinyoung only to find him putting on a stoic expression. He knows Jinyoung is hiding his real emotion, but he can't help but almost get fooled. Jinyoung has always been a great liar. It's what he has always been. Jaebeom hates it, but can't help but hoping that he will be like Jinyoung someday, even if he knows lying will never get him anywhere. 

Suddenly, Jinyoung smirks. "You're not that good at flattering people, huh." 

Bambam grins and says, "That's my one and only weakness" making Jinyoung's smirk turns into a dark smile. 

"I hope you're not lying". 

"Maybe you can try and find it out yourself", Bambam leans in and stares into Jinyoung's eyes. "Also, you didn't answer my question earlier. Are you gay?" 

Jinyoung's eyes glints in excitement. "Maybe you can try and find it out yourself". 

Jaebeom rolls his eyes. _Can't wait for recess to be over._

____

____

____

__

____

____

____

____

"So. Bambam seems nice". 

____

"Are you kidding? He's a goddamn brat". Jinyoung complains, bringing his straw near his mouth and sips his orange juice. He is looking through social media on his phone, probably watching some clips from an anime that he is into at the moment. Jaebeom can't keep up with the all the anime he's watching because it changes almost every month. 

____

"Oh, really?" Jaebeom leans in while smirking, putting his chin on his right hand. "You seem to have an interest with him though?" 

____

"Oh, shut up. I don't. I really want to choke him". 

____

"I'm glad you didn't" 

____

Jinyoung groans. "Well, I'm not. I know I'm not that friendly and gives off a negative aura but did he really have to act like that? It's like he has known me for years or something". 

"I'm sorry... I know I shouldn't have brought you together with me. You hate talking to people you just know".

"Not as much as you. Don't worry about it, I can handle a few interactions". 

Jaebeom squints his eyes at the latter disbelievingly. "You can't handle it when they start to talk about sexual stuff, though". 

Jinyoung looks out of the cafe, watching a group of friends walking happily with a few shopping bags in their hands. "This is not the first time. I can handle it" 

Jaebeom grits his teeth. "No, you can't. You were-" Jinyoung cuts him off. "And no one noticed anything. I'm a good liar". 

_But I don't want you to feel like you have to lie._

__Jinyoung smiles with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "I don't want you to feel like that too but sometimes we can't have what we want". His reply leaves Jaebeom looking at him like he is an alien. Jaebeom panics "How did you do that? Or did I say things unconsciously again?". The latter chuckles. "You're an open book, it's not that hard"._ _

"Oh. Right". 

Jaebeom's phone suddenly buzz for really long in just a few seconds. "What the hell is that?" Jinyoung asks. Jaebeom checks the notification and groans when he sees who it is. "How did he get my number?" Jinyoung takes the phone from his hand and his eyes widen slightly when he sees the contact name. "That's a lot of hearts. Also, I can't believe you gave Jackson your number. You usually just give people your email instead." 

"I didn't. He must've took it when I went to the toilet and inserted his number just to put a lot of heart emojis on his contact name." Jaebeom clicks the edit button and deletes all the emojis and put a simple smile emoji next to the name instead.

"Okay, should I block him?"

Jinyoung claps his hand slowly. "Can't believe my dearest friend is finally brave enough to stand up for themselves." 

"I can't believe you're acting like I didn't punch a group of bullies single-handedly back in middle high."

"They are the same age as us, Jaebeom. Plus, you only did that cuz you got tired of their bullshit after being provoked by them for what? 3 years?"

"It's still the same thing". Jaebeom pouts. The younger grins. "Sure sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

The phone buzzes again a few times, making Jaebeom can't help but press on it to read what Jackson has been spamming him for the last few minutes.

**Jackson :) : **Hi Jaebeom!****

******Jackson :) : **Its me Jackson the guy whos been bothering yu for awhile now and is your future friend ;)))**** ** **

********Jackson :) : **WAIT JUST REALISED I SAVED MY NUMBER ON UR PHINE ALREADY AHHHAHSHSSVDIDS**** ** ** **

********Jackson :) : **ANYWAYS DID YOU ENJOY OUR INTERACTIONS SO FAR???**** ** ** **

********Jackson :) : **dont lie pls i may be fragile but lies hurt me more than painful truth**** ** ** **

********Jackson :) : **shit its not weird that i stole your phone number rite??? im not a stalker i promise 😵📣👌💪**** ** ** **

**Jackson :) : **[a gif of a man smiling nervously]****

"I knew he'd type like this. This is so Jackson".

"Are you mocking him?"

Jinyoung doesn't reply. Instead, he changes the topic. "Are you going to reply to his messages?". Jaebeom doesn't push him, he knows Jinyoung won't reply to his question if he doesn't want to, so he goes along with it. "I mean, I have to. It'll be awkward if I don't"

When Jinyoung doesn't say anything after he answers him, he becomes suspicious. "Are you not gonna tell me that's a bad decision? Or give a sarcastic remark?" Jinyoung sighs. He doesn't bother looking at Jaebeom's face, his eyes are glued to droplets of water trickling down the orange juice glass, creating a circle spot underneath it.

"Do you hate him?" Jaebeom notices the change in the latter's expression, even if it's not apparent. "I don't". Jinyoung says, but when he hears Jaebeom's "Uhuh" he knows that he's being obvious.

Jinyoung groans. "I swear, I just wanna scare him. I don't hate him okay". 

"Scare him? What are you, twelve?"

"Hey, when I was twelve I was very mature" Jinyoung says while pointing his index finger to the man in front of him, trying to emphasize his words. Jaebeom grins, slowly pushing the finger away from his peripheral vision and retorts, "You were not mature, you were cold, that's it". Jinyoung repeats his words mockingly, earning a "fuck you" and a soft chuckle out of his friend.

Their conversation dies when Jaebeom's phone buzzes again, with the notification coming from none other than Jackson. "You should probably take care of the baby before he cries", Jinyoung remarks jokingly, but soon mutters "sorry" when Jaebeom glares at him.

**Jackson :) : **Oh no youve read the messages but you dont reply****

**Jackson :) : **Am I bothering you right now??? :(((****

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******Me : hi. im sorry i was talking to jinyoung. i mustve accidentally clicked on your messages ******** **

**Me : Also no youre not bothering me....**

Jinyoung moves next to Jaebeom to be able to see his texts better. He snickers when he looks at his friend's replies. "the multiple dots really makes it sound more honest", he says with a hint of sarcasm in his tone. Jaebeom rolls his eyes. "Okay, you handle him then".

Jinyoung looks at Jackson's new messages and grins evilly once a brilliant idea pops up in his head. He quickly types and sends it. Jaebeom takes the phone away from him to read what Jinyoung had sent. 

******Jackson :) : Are you sURe**** **

****Jackson :) : **you seemed pretty bothered by my existence when we first met. NOT THAT I BLAM E you lMAOo i can do that to people sometime**** **

****Me : I mean yea i wasSsss** **

********Me : but that was before i get a good look on your ass ;)))) ******** ** **

Jaebeom's eyes widen in shock. "Oh my god what the fuck, Jinyoung. Oh god oh god oh god- And he's already seen the message!" He grits his teeth in anger and glares at Jinyoung. "Don't worry! I'm sure he doesn't care. He is friends with Bambam and Mark for fuck's sake. They made jokes about sexu- fuck see I can't even say it"

"You're going to make me roll my eyes so hard that my brain is gonna be damaged"

"I'm sure that's not how it works but okay" 

Jaebeom ignores his friend and focusing on typing something to clear up the misunderstanding but stop when he receives a reply. 

**Jackson :) : wh omg who wouldve thought you can flirt**

**Jackson :) : id say your ass is fine too but everything about you is so fine i feel like id be diminishing your other features 😞**

**Me : uh that was jinyoung**

******Jackson :) : youre telling me i sacrificed my pride just to be clown???**** **

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**Jackson :) : I FEEL BETRAYED**

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**Me : [a gif of a man kneeling with a caption "sorry!"**

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**Jackson :) : ehe good**

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**Jackson :) : a;so pls tell jinyoung i said hi and thannk youuuu**

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**Jackson :) : also that his ass on fire more than mine does**

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Me : on it

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Jaebeom shoves his phone in front of Jinyoung who is busy reading his book and says "read this". Jinyoung seems annoyed, but does it anyway. 

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"Oh". Jinyoung doesn't say anything else. After a few seconds, he says "tell him I said hi and never say anything like that about my ass ever again or I'll push him off a cliff". 

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Jaebeom grins. 

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**Me : He said hi and also asked you to never make those kind of comments at his ass ever again or else, he said and i quote "I'll push him off a cliff"**

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**Jackson : damn he rlly hates me huh**

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**Me : What no he doesn't. what makes you say that**

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"He thinks you hate him, dummy". Jinyoung grins. "Well, he's not wrong there".

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Jaebeom's eyes widen. "Wait what? I thought you said you only act cold around him because you want to scare him off?" Jinyoung shrugs, tapping his index finger on his book cover while looking out the window. "Yeah, but I also don't like him. Why would I scare him off if I like him?"

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"I don't know, you used to do that with Youngjae! And me!" Jaebeom exclaims. "Why do you even hate him? what did he ever do to you huh?" Jinyoung slumps againsts his seat and groans. "Oh, come on. You know I always hate people without them needing to do anything. It;s the aura he emitted, Jaebeom. The super fun, loving and enthusiastic personality ticks me off." Jinyoung rambles, trying to making his friend understand. "Pretty sure you hated him too first time you met him".

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"I... That's different" Jaebeom plays with the strands of hair at the side of his hair,trying to construct sentences from ideas that are jumbling together inside his brain. He opens his mouth, trying to get words out, but the look of expectance on his friend's face stops him from saying anything. "You know what, it's nothing. You'll stop hating him after a few months, anyway."

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"That's impossible. I hated Youngjae for almost a year..... But yeah sure whatever you say". 

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"You... you hated him?" Jaebeom tries to process the information he had just known. "Wait.. wait what?" Jinyoung stifles the laugh that is threatening to spill from his mouth when the look of utter confusion appears on Jaebeom's face. 

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"Please tell me you're joking". 

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"Unfortunately, I am not". 

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"How could you ever hate someone so precious like him? How?!" Jaebeom slams his hand on the table, standing up from his chair angrily while glaring at Jinyoung. And that sends a signal into Jinyoung's brain, telling him that he had fucked up. Jinyoung stares at the man driven with anger, his eyes focuses on the way his chest heaves, his eyes sharp and cold despite how outrage he looks. He knows he should do something, especially how Jaebeom's act is attracting attention from a few customers and the people who work at the cafe. "Calm down, tiger. You're embarrassing yourself here." 

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"I'm never embarrassed with a stunt I pulled" 

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"That's a lie. You know you always do, you even regret most of it". Jinyoung says, trying to talk some sense into his friend. "You will regret this. I know you, Jaebeom". His words seem to be able to calm him down, his heaving chest slows down, the fire in his eyes has disappear. 

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"Oh god... I'm sorry". Jaebeom forms a fist, creating crescent patterns on his palms. Jinyoung can't help but notices it, and he feels something heavy in his chest. He's not sad, not angry at Jaebeom. He can't seem to identify what he's feeling right now.

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_And now happy Jaebeom is gone. Good job, Jinyoung._

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__"Don't do that". Jinyoung demands, pulling Jaebeom's fist and feels it soften in his grip. He slowly holds his hand and pulls him down so that he'll sit. Jaebeom gulps, his eyes looking everywhere except him. Jinyoung rubs his hand soothingly, hoping it'll calm the man down._ _

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"Jaebeom". The man looks at Jinyoung, and he can't help but notice the way his eyes are glistening with fear despite the adorable smile on his face. "Yes?" 

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"Are you... Do you wanna get out of here?"

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"Oh yes, thank god!" Jaebeom laughs, his voice coming out cheerful yet it stabs Jinyoung in the guts with how awkward and fake it sounds. _Don't don't don't _Jinyoung tells himself over and over again, trying to focus his mind onto something else, like the sound of chatter and the chiming noise coming from the wind bell near the window. They both gather their belongings immediately and pay their bill before walking out the cafe.__

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Jinyoung stares at Jaebeom every now and then during their ride on the bus. He tries to focus on his book, but the story keeps jumping out of his brain and all that comes back is his worries towards his friend. Jaebeom has his eyes close, his earphone on his ears while humming along the melody. Jinyoung knows his calm exterior is too good to be true, with the way he smiles while bopping his head slowly to the beat, his finger tapping his thighs rhythmically. He wants to say something. Wants to ask if he's okay, if he wants to talk about it. But he pushes the thought to the back of his head, once again keeping his head in the book despite knowing he won't be able to absorb the information. 

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Before Jaebeom gets off his bus, Jinyoung smiles at him and says "take care". He watches as he nods and smiles back before turning away and get out of the bus. When the bus starts to move again, Jinyoung finds his brain starting to move faster as well. His brain is racking up all the possibilities on what will Jaebeom do once he arrives to his apartment, and almost none of them is good.

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The cruel thought in his brain says, _He'll deal with it himself. It's not your problem. _And Jinyoung hates himself when a part of him agrees with it.__

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm this is long im happy???? even tho it takes more than 2 weeks to write like whatthefucKKk and it's hard to gain ideas...... ANYWaYS next chapter there will be more jackbeom parts i swear.... anyways leave kudos if you enjoyed and tell me what you think about this chapter in the comment pls ineed to know so i can improve myself.......
> 
> also tell me if you see mistakes lmao cuz im writing the last bits of it while doing chem :(( kay imma go finish my hw have a nice day


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